Your iPhone Sucks: A Play in One Act

Our hero, having purchased an extra iPhone for a friend in Denmark, and sent it away via Federal Express on Sunday, has now gone to his bank, to find out about things like routing numbers and swift addresses so that his Danish friend--actually, an American living in Denmark, but this doesn't matter--can re-pay him via a bank transfer. As he leaves the bank, he pulls out his iPhone to email said friend with a humorous account of the bank staff's unfamiliarity with these apparently quaint concepts. He wears a black T-shirt from a comedy troupe in Atlanta, dark blue jeans, and hideous yellow Adidas. A security guard, standing at the bank's doorway and wearing a bulletproof vest, stops him to ask him about his phone. It is the first time a stranger has inquired about it.

Security Guard: Hey, is that an iPhone?

Our Hero (smiling): Yeah, yeah it is.

Security Guard (walking over): Can you show it to me?

Our hero: Sure, here, look, I'm just sending an email.
(He holds out the phone to demonstrate.)

Security Guard (looking skeptical): I've heard you can't type on it.

Our Hero: Well, I don't know. I've never had a BlackBerry, so I may not be the best judge, but I think it's pretty easy. Here, look.
(He closes out the message he had been working on and opens a new message window. Turning the iPhone sideways, he thumbs out the message "Here I am typing stuff." He does it very quickly. Security Guard raises his eyebrows. He is, quite obviously, taken aback.)

Security Guard: It's not really got a lot of memory, though, right?

Our Hero: Well, it's enough for me. It's got more than my nano, which is the iPod I always used to carry, before this. Since you need to sync it regularly to charge it anyway, it's probably not such a big deal.

Security Guard: I've heard that the glass scratches really easily, and once that happens it's just useless.

Our Hero: Well, we'll see, I guess.
(He gets the point now, Security Guard doesn't have any questions about the iPhone at all. All his questions have been answered. No, Security Guard wants to tell him he's doing it wrong. Security Guard wants to ruin his enoyment of his device. Security Guard wants to shit all over it, because that's how a fun-shitting shitmonger like Security Guard rolls. Our Hero pockets his phone, and begins to edge away.)

Security Guard: But which one is that, is that the four or the eight megabyte?

Our Hero: It's the eight gigabyte, they're...

Security Guard (interrupting and speaking quickly): That's not enough. It needs to be more. It's not really very much memory.

Our Hero: Well, like I said, it's enough for me.
(He's had enough now, and is uninterested in continuing the conversation. He starts to walk around the corner. Security Guard calls after him.)

Security Guard (speaking very rapidly now, trying to catch Our Hero's attention. It is uncertain who he is talking to): I think it's not enough! It's not enough for movies. And I heard it scratched so easy. I don't think it's so good. I'm not sure about it.

Our Hero listens to Security Guard's voice trail away as he rounds the corner, gives him a quick glance, wave and smile, and then continues on.

Our Hero: Okay, bye!

He goes on his way. and when he reaches the shop next door, he again removes the phone from his pocket, and sends an email to his editor as he waits for his panini to come off of the grill. He smiles.

-curtain-